Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Family Disputes

I have this sister that hates me. No really, she hates me (here, and here).

It's been 2 1/2 years since she ended our relationship. The way she went about it was mean and insidious. 

My family did not come to my defense. My mom implied I was deserving of it. My dad tried to fix the battle. My sister stood her ground. My brothers don't want to get involved, but I have this feeling that they think I'm deserving of it too.

13 years ago I was different. I was a teenager with normal teenage angst. My parents had issues together, and somehow it affected me negatively. I went about binge drinking, shop lifting, ditching school,...just general trouble. I was quick to fight, quick to get upset, quick to leave. 13 years later, I'm quite a different person than my teenage self. I'm settled, I'm calm. I have 3 children, I'm a stay at home mom, I craft for goodness sakes. In support of my husband, I haven't even had a drink in almost 2 years. My family still sees me as this person. It's hard. I hate having to prove myself.

2 1/2 years after sister stood her ground, my parents are still having to choose to decide which daughter to invite to family events. Both sister and I live outside the county lines from which our parents reside. Sister and I are literally 5 miles away from each other. Our children are similar ages. Just recently, my mom stopped at my house after visiting sister and her sick children. Amazingly, my mom was able to transfer that flu virus to my house. My children are sharing sister's germs. Irony.

The holidays are approaching and I'm feeling restless with sister. So badly I want to email her and tell her how much I hate what she has done to me. How much she has pulled at my heart strings. How selfish she is for making my parents choose. How evil she is for verbalizing her disdain of me to my nieces. I hate so much of her. I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I feel lost in this family and disconnected. I hate that I don't feel grounded. I hate that my mom shows me pictures of the kids. I don't care. I don't want to care. I don't want to know that I'll be missing out on my eldest niece graduating high school. I don't want to know my youngest nephew's personality - of whom I have never met. 

I dream of sister. I dream of punching her. Truth.

I don't know how my husband does it. His dad walked away from him when he was 13. We now share this kindred sadness. He hates sister too. 

I write this here publicly because I can't verbalize it to anyone else. Husband doesn't want to hear my broken record. Parents think I can fix this somehow. How? I've tried and sister bit me again. I want to move and abandon my family. I have my own little family now. Let sister have my parents. Let sister have my grandparents. Let sister have everyone think that she is golden. She, who eloped once after 5 weeks. She who got knocked up the first night she met a man. She who eloped for a second time. She who bad mouths her oldest child's father. She who is money hungry and status greedy. She who...well I could go on.

I'm so angry. I need to yell these things. I need someone to here me. At least I think I do.

Someone teach me to ignore my heart.

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