Growing

It's been an interesting process watching my husband grow up.

Our first time meeting
Gordon's Well, 2002

We didn't really know what we were getting into when we started the process of becoming foster parents. In one aspect, it has become a sense of healing for Rocky. He was a ward of the state when he was 16 years old - detained in juvenile hall for 9 months and living in two separate group homes far away from his family home, until he aged out at 18.

 

I've sat in our training and watch him tear up at hearing personal accounts and stories of children entering the system. We've heard about the emotional damage and confusion of children being taken away from their parents. How they have left their homes often in the middle of the night with nothing more than the clothes on their backs, sometimes even missing a shoe on their foot.

 

Rocky knows what it's like. I've had him whisper in my ear, "that's awful." His eyes turn red and he stares straight ahead. I realize the emotion he feels is of being devalued.

 

 We were 19 when we met. Between 18-19, he was living up his freedoms. Lots of drinking, drugs, and partying. When I met him, I knew he was broken. I always had this feeling that he felt relieved to meet me - that someone was there to take care of him.

 

Inkopah 2003

 

Foster care has opened up a door of personal healing for Rocky. We have had new conversations. He has spoken openly about past experiences. He has shared some deep thoughts and painful truths that had been masked behind years of alcohol abuse.

 

Las Vegas 2005
 

We've had conversations where Rocky has expressed future interest in taking on young men that were in situations similar to his. He feels like he can offer wisdom and guidance to displaced youth.  This sad child that was devalued has become a man that feels he can share his worth.

 

And that's when I realized my husband grew up.

 

 xo,
Jake

The Mantra That Saved Me

The first time I put my foot down on Rocky's alcoholism was when I had him arrested in 2009. It was a very huge, dramatic production of forcing him into sobriety. 

After 8 months of being sober, and with some fault of my own, he began to drink again. It was a slow downward spiral. Frankly, I'm not even quite sure how long it lasted, but it was slow. A beer or two after work, a six pack on the weekend. Coming home without boos, but glaring red eyes giving away his secret. Old habits started returning. Houston was 6 weeks old and Georgia was 22 months old.

The biggest indicator of Rocky's drinking is his behavior. The fights that have no ending. The irrational thinking. Finding projects that keeps him busy in the garage. Not eating all day, or grotesquely gorging himself. I was witnessing all of this after his 8 months of sobriety. I didn't have the fight in me. I had two young children and frankly, I was exhausted.

One evening, I sent Rocky to the grocery store to pick up an item. He left the house through the garage door, closing it behind him. Minutes later, I headed out to the garage to switch out laundry loads. There, standing in the garage with the garage door partially closed was Rocky chugging away on a large bottle of clear liquor that he had been hiding in his tool cupboards. 

I said nothing.

He sheepishly laughed.

I gathered up my basket of laundry and walked into the house. I felt no anger, no rage, no sadness,...nothing.  It was like a quiet before the storm. I didn't know what was going to happen next. Was he going to walk in? Was he going to start making excuses? Was he going to somehow blame this on me? Was I going to start yelling at him? Demanding sobriety?

I suddenly found myself within a prayer. I'm not deeply religious, so the sound of my own voice pleading with God in my head was unreal. I repeated: 

Please give my husband the strength to want to quit, or give me the strength to walk away.

I said it over and over and over again. I sat on the edge of the bed, and saw the words in my head. I never mumbled them aloud, yet they echoed loudly between the walls of my skull.

Rocky came inside the house seconds after catching him drinking. He found me in the bedroom, sitting on the bed. He started begging me to not leave. I had made no threats. He started promising he would get help. I had asked for nothing. He was pleading with me as much as I was pleading with God.

Many times over my life time I had prayed to God. When my first boyfriend broke up with me. When I wanted to run away from home. When I wanted a baby sister for Christmas when I was 6 years old. My prayers were always fairly shallow and more about personal wants than needs.

God never answered those prayers, but he answered this one. Within 24 hours of catching him drinking, Rocky asked me to start looking for churches. He found a new AA group (as we had just moved). He made phone calls to sober confidants. 

What's your mantra? It doesn't have to be a prayer, it doesn't have to be directed at anyone. Create the thought that will be the catalyst for change, and live it, no matter the consequences.

Rocky vs Non-Alcoholic Beer

I really, truly don't know if he'll ever get it.

I think it was a solid 9 months before Rocky drank his first non-alcoholic beer. We discussed him drinking them.  I was scared. Really scared. More like terrified. It was that feeling that buzzes through your bones, from your fingertips to your toes, and swirls in the pit of your tummy telling you, "NO NO NO."

Non-alcoholic beers still have a very small percentage of alcohol in them. I know not only from the percentage count on the can, but because my own clean system can totally get a buzz from drinking one. What a tease for an alcoholic to feel that slight buzz! And because it's only a slight buzz, what's stopping him from thinking that because he can control that slight buzz, that quite possibly he can control a REAL beer.

The first non-alcoholic beer he brought home was an O'Douls.  This was on the advice from a fellow non-drinker: his coping mechanism. I don't feel like it's a coping mechanism, I feel like it's a cop out. Russian roulette. Sticking a quarter in the slot machine...the casino ALWAYS wins.

I think drank 6 that night.

I was pissed.

His eyes were red.

He was obviously intoxicated.

After 2 days, the O'douls ran out.

THANK GOD.

Once the cloud was lifted, Rocky had his own realization - he was scared. He realized he was getting buzzed  off these non-alcoholic beers. He couldn't stop himself, and he couldn't admit it to me. Even when the sugary substitutes were giving him headaches, he still drank on.

A month or so went by and he thought about giving those damned drinks a try again. *sigh* Again, I voiced my concern without an argument. Let him know my fears. He listened and heard me, and put the card of broken promises out on the table. That's all addicts deal in, broken promises.

This time he came home with Old Milwaukee non-alcoholics beer. Ironically, he was more concerned about getting a headache. And he drank 2.

He drank 2 every night until the 12 pack was gone. In my head, I hoorah'd a small victory. It took him almost an entire week to drink that damn 12 pack, and when it was gone, it was gone. He didn't pick up more on his way home from work. It was gone for such a while that I couldn't even remember when he picked another pack up.

Rocky does drink those stupid beers here and there. He takes them with him to outings where people are drinking, and he never drinks more than 2 - even when he went on a hunting trip and bought a 24 pack. He came home with 18. Ironically, no matter the brand - they give him a headache after 2. So that's all he can stomach.

The only way I think he'll stop drinking non-alcoholic beers is if he realizes the headaches hurt more than his want for the taste, or for that tiny buzz. For now, he's still a true addict - going back to those beers, giving himself a headache, and then going back for more. 

Crossing my fingers that one day he'll get it. For now we deal in small victories, and I remind myself that recovery is never-ending.

Let's Just Give An Addict Prescription Pain Killers

Following my husband's recent roll-over car accident, and in light of my experience in the Secret Society of an Alcoholic's Wife, I have been made very aware of how easily our current health care system has set it up for people to become so easily addicted to prescription pain killers.

I understand my husband is in some bodily pain. His trucked rolled. I get it. The emergency doctors gave him a prescription for 12 Percocet AND 30 muscle relaxers (Robaxin). 6 months ago, Rocky had his wisdom teeth pulled. He received a prescription for 50 Vicodin. Luckily he was so anesthetized that I was able to have the dentist rewrite the prescription for 25 - and even that was hard with a combative, doped up, recovered alcoholic patient listening in - AND attempting to argue with me with a mouth full of gauze.

Because Rocky is an addict, our story is a little bit different. Addicts see the world in a different light - in which the world revolves around them and their addiction. Even when the immediate threat of relapse isn't so pungent,  addicts still breath in a routine toxicity of their own addictive perfume. Rocky has not yet fully realized that he can become addicted to anything - even caffeine. So imagine my horror when the Dentist prescribed him 50 Vicodin. 

I'm almost of the belief that addiction should be placed in a person's medical file much as a heart murmur or type I diabetes is.

The bigger picture though is how easily it has been to get these high count prescriptions. There was NO mention of ice packs and ibuprofen with both the car accident AND teeth pulling.

And yet, I pumped 8-lbs of baby through my vagina TWICE - and somehow survived with several strategically placed ice packs and 800mg of Ibuprofen. I was offered 6 prescription Vicodin with my 1st delivery (which I never filled - because who really wants to go to the pharmacy 2 days after giving birth), and the 2nd delivery I just declined all offerings.

Here's some interesting facts from the National Institute of Drug Abuse:

• -In 2009, 16 million Americans age 12 and older had taken a prescription pain reliever,                 tranquilizer, stimulant, or sedative for non medical purposes at least once in the year prior to being surveyed.
• In two nationally representative surveys, about 2% of mothers with at-home children under the age of 18 reported symptoms meeting the clinical criteria for abuse of or dependence on illicit drugs or prescription drugs that are being misused. 
• Of that 2%, 1.1% (the highest percentage of responders) reported their drug of choice to be PRESCRIPTION PAIN KILLERS.

What has been your experience with prescription pain killers? Do you think they are overly prescribed, or is there a 100% valid reason for their existence and use?

Don't forget to follow via Google Friend Connect located on the sidebar. Or find me on Facebook @ Mommy Needs An Aspirin.

His Truck Rolled

What an exciting week we've had at the Mommy Needs an Aspirin House!

On Wednesday, January 25th, my husband was involved in a car accident where his truck rolled. Thought I'd share some of the pictures and how amazing it was that he WALKED away...actually DROVE away from the accident.

Rocky left work at 3p on Wednesday afternoon. He and his passenger headed home on Highway 76 (in San Diego, CA). This particular highway was a lot of stop lights and turn offs - it's more of a major road.  They were stopped at a traffic light when my husband caught sight of a car in his rear view mirror speeding way too fast towards his rear bumper. He didn't have anytime to say anything to his passanger, other than to grab hold of him.

The other driver hit Rocky's vehicle (which was at a dead stop) going approximately 60mph with little to no braking.  The force of the vehicle going underneath Rocky's bumper flipped (rolled) his truck like a spatula a complete 360 degrees, landing Rocky's vehicle on it's tires, but facing backwards and stopped on the center divide. Rocky later told me that as the vehicle was struck and begin to roll, he braced himself for the thought that he was going to be impaled by an object, be crunched inside the cab, or whatever else that may happen. SCARY.

Amazingly, Rocky and his passenger were BOTH uninjured - as was the other driver. 

Even MORE amazing - NO ONE stopped to offer help or be a witness. This was during rush hour - with lots of other vehicles on the road. Rocky was the first to dial 911, and the California Highway Patrol (CHP) was there within minutes.

CHP told him if the car could start, it looked okay to drive home. So, that's what Rocky did - he drove home. Now of course, I took him to the emergency room - where he had a minor concussion (obviously by the bump on his forehead and the headache he had), and hip contusion where his body took majority of the impact, and just some slight bruises, whip lash, a scrape on the shoulder...but that's about it.

Pretty amazing right?

Hug your loved ones.

Don't forget to follow via Google Friend Connect located on the sidebar. Or find me on Facebook @ Mommy Needs An Aspirin.

The Guidelines of Camping According to Rocky

Rocky and I are planning our FIRST (scary scary!) family camping trip for New Year's Eve. We used to go a lot before we had kids, but since the addition of our lil monsters it seemed more work than fun. Now that Houston is 19 mos and seems to no longer WANT to walk directly into the fire - I think we might be okay!

So, in preparation for our trip, Rocky wrote me a list of "must-haves" which he left on the desk for me to read. Since it was kind of cute, I thought I'd give you, the reader, Rocky's Top 10 Must-Haves for Desert Camping. Post to follow on whether he was right or not, lol!

1. 2 gallons of H2O per person, per day.

2. 2 well-balanced meals per day.

3. Clothing: long sleeved for days, and "snow" gear style clothing for night use and recommend to sleep in these clothes.

4. Cot or Air-Mattress - keep off ground when sleeping.

5. Sleeping Bag with temperature rating of no more than 30 F.

6. Flashlights and/or lanterns (x2)

7. Fire Wood = 4 grocery bundles per night, minimum!

8. Ignition Source - x2 (lighters)

9. Baby Wipes, lip balm, and first aid basics.

10. GPS and/or reliable cell phone source

11 [ha! notice there is an 11!] Shade source umbrella or easy-up.

Wish us luck!

Don't forget to follow via Google Friend Connect located on the sidebar. Or find me on Facebook @ Mommy Needs An Aspirin.