Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My Life As A Campfire: Part 1

For some of those that have known me for years (and years and years), you might have noticed a change in me that is portraying itself as super mom syndrome.  Although I would love to credit the birth of my children for changing my life, they are not the reason I have chosen to polish myself up and be the best Jake I can be.

I wish I could say it was re-connecting my relationship with God, but in actuality, it was a very personal and hurtful fight that ignited the flame within me to become a better person (not a super mom).

I have a half sister, eight years my senior. She is from my mom's 1st marriage, but the word "half-sister" was banned from our childhood vocabulary. She is MY father's daughter, and we were raised to not see it any other way. I admired her growing up. What little sister doesn't envy their big sis? She was blessed with being thin, popular, and blond. She had a lot of friends, a lot of boyfriends, was Vice President of her senior class, and I was just her bratty little sister.

As we got older, we attempted a relationship. We both had children, we were both married. As with any relationship (including marriage), there will be ups & downs, including disagreements with your adult siblings.  My sister chose to end our relationship, changing the term from just simply "sister" to "estranged sister."

I was VERY blindsided by her decision. In fact, we had just moved to Temecula (May 2010), and were living 7 miles down the road from her home in Murrieta. I sent her a text inviting her over for a play date, and received no response. Several days later, I received an email from her. I had been "cc'd" on an email she was sending to her BFF regarding addresses for her upcoming baby shower. Under my name and address, my sister had written, (this is copied directly from the e-mail she sent me):

Okay, so after much internal debate, I have decided that I do need to invite my sister (it's the right thing to do).  Now I'll just wish that she doesn't come!

At first I was surprised, and thought she didn't mean to CC me on the email. Seconds later, a new email popped up in my box:

I copied you on an email I recently sent to Kelly.  I want you to know that I hate feeling the way that is explained in the email.  I hate having hurt feelings about mean hurtful things that were said in the past.  I hate feeling that I can't even invite you to my baby shower because of all the dumb childish behavior on both our parts in the past.  Just know that by me copying you in that email wasn't me trying to hurt you or play games, I am just so tired of the tension and animosity.  I needed to get it off my chest. 

I went back to the original e-mail, and scrolled down to find an entire conversation of e-mails between my sister and her BFF, both grown women calling me bratty, immature, ungracious, and a whole bunch of stuff that I shouldn't have been privy too. It felt like high school gossip, and they were my bullies. My sister would not respond to any of my emails, texts, or phone calls.

I received mixed reactions from my parents. My dad was furious. My mom argued that the email was deserved, something about "you can only get bit so much by Jake..." My mom became mad at my dad for becoming involved, and suddenly I was thrust back into adolescence: sitting in a therapists office, between my parents, being accused of being a rift in their marriage, a catalyst for an impending divorce (they are still married by the way).

My sister's email was hurtful, my parent's reaction was painful.

I remember writing a post on good ol' Facebook about not being able to sleep because I was dreaming about my bitchy sister. Although we weren't friends on FB, somehow my sister found the post, and soon enough my dad was calling on the phone yelling at me for slander. Days later I got in trouble AGAIN for sending an email to her that's message was misinterpreted (good ol' email!). Again, another phone call from dear old dad yelling at me. My mom refused to talk about ANY of it. My husband was tired of seeing me cry and asked me to stop talking to him about it. My internal dialogue was saying, "I feel like there is no one in my court, but why is that?  I must be a horrible person. No one wants to stand up for someone not worth fighting for."

My soul felt lost.....
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1 comment:

  1. Families. They are probably one of the hardest parts of life. They can hurt us the most because we love them the most. But know that you ARE worth fighting for. In fact I have a book you need to read all about just that. But I stink at mailing things so we need to get together...