Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Life As A Campfire: Part 2

In My Life As A Campfire: Part 1, I left off feeling hopeless and lost after a sucker punch verbal wipe-out with my elder sister. My parents were conflicted in choosing to deal with their grown daughters, therefore alienating - and somewhat abandoning - our (parents and child) relationship.

This 1-2 punch from my sister sent me into a tail spin of depression. I became focused on the event: fixated on the coulda-woulda-shoulda's. I found myself crying in the shower and self-talking out loud every time I got behind the wheel. I felt like Carrie - asked to the senior prom by the most popular boy in school, only to have pig blood dumped on her forehead, and her mother scorn her.

If I was such an awful person that my parents could not defend me, and my sister could permanently end our relationship, maybe I needed to change? My whole life I had wanted to be like my big sister, maybe I needed to change that? Maybe I needed to be everything she wasn't?

So I threw myself into becoming a better person - becoming anything but my sister. I was determined to be frugal, to be thoughtful, to give and participate in charities, to be creative, to find passion, to mend my relationship with God, to build lasting relationships with those I would not speak badly about, to be a help meet to my husband ( look that one up!), to provide routine and structure to my kids, to nourish positive relationships between siblings, to not be concerned of my social status, to be content and happy with the gifts of my life, to inspire and to be inspried.

In the process of throwing myself into these promises, I began to forget the reasoning behind it.  In general, I felt happier, and amazing things were beginning to happen all around me. My entire life I have lived with the theory that there is a rainbow at the end of every struggle, and a positive thought can come out of the most dire circumstances.

You see, there were many logs in my fire. Some good, some bad, but I wasn't doing anything about them. You can't just pour lighter fluid on a stack of logs and simply hope it ignites. My sister had become the match, my parents response became the act of throwing it on the logs.

Newer, bigger, better logs are now constantly being added to my fire , just as old logs burn out and turn into ash. Behind it all, is the all-encompassing oxygen that continues to feed the flame - my flame. And wow! Does it burn strong now.

How do you ignite the flame for your life? What logs do you add to your pile to build a better fire? How do you keep your flame burning?

Happy S'mores!

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1 comment:

  1. Oh wow. SO many things ignite my fire...I don't even know if I can pinpoint them!

    I am so happy you found a way to feed your flame!