Thursday, December 29, 2011

SSAW - My Fears

I've blogged about it.

I've shared his struggles.

But what about my deepest fears in regards to Rocky's sobriety?

March 2012 will be a 1 year victory. He had an 8 mos stretch - the most critical one of all - followed by a slow downhill slide which has led to his now, after pressing the reset button, almost 1 year anniversary.

We have conversations - this husband and I; when will he drink again? Will he EVER drink again? Will I ever drink again? How long till you know you can do it again? 5 years? 10 years? What does the future hold for his present relationship with alcohol?

These questions seem so silly to the common person - the person that can stop at 1 or even 6. I'm the type that can take an hour to drink a beer - one, ein, uno beer -  and STILL forget about the remaining quarter of it left warming on the counter. Not Rocky.

One drink is all it takes for all of this hard work to be over.

Then what? Hope for a reset button again?

It wasn't just HIS effort that went into his sobriety - it was mine too: having to bite my tongue when he lashed out in frustration, having to soften his anger so he wouldn't run to the nearest liquor store, stroking his ego when it wasn't deserved, putting my own enjoyment aside, not becoming angered when he admits his past drinking secrets, changing plans because he feels uncomfortable with the situation...all of it just having to UNDERSTAND something that I honestly can't UNDERSTAND.

A person with an addiction is a person rehearsed in selfishness - except they don't know how to turn the selfishness off in regards to their addiction. "I care how this affects my spouse, however, I can't stop myself from continuing to bring harm to myself and my marriage."

So maybe MY FEARS should read instead as MY HOPES:

I hope he gets far enough in time away from alcohol that it's not a nagging voice at his lowest moments.

I hope he understands the downward spiral that one sip can start to spin.

I hope he really, truly realizes one day what we went through TOGETHER.

I hope he leaves behind a sobered legacy for his children - for one day they may struggle with addiction.

I hope that in the event he gives in to a moment of weakness, I can find the strength to do it all over again.

I hope in 2016 we will be celebrating his 5 year anniversary.

For better or for worse.

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