Thursday, March 26, 2015

Looking Back

I haven't been to my blog for a LONG time. Truth be told, I've forgotten about it. It became, like a lot of things, a very distant memory.

Somehow, through the course of the day, through conversations with new friends, and reminiscing about old memories, I remembered this was still here.

So I read.


So where is Jake and Rocky? What happened? Is Rocky still sober? Are they still married?

I'll tell you. And the present may surprise you.

On March 3rd, 2015 Rocky celebrated 4 years of sobriety. We are indeed still married. We actually now have 4 kids (sweet baby Carolina is 6 months old!). We sold our house in California and moved to rural Missouri.

Rocky is a sheriff's deputy.

This is a picture from his first year in law enforcement as a police officer.

I am still a stay at home mom. We homeschool. We are preparing to buy our first house in rural Missouri and grow some roots.

Looking back and reading these old posts blows my mind!

I remember telling another wife I met through this blog that I understood why blogs written by addicts wives fell to the waste side: spouses do not want to continually live in the shadows of addiction years after their spouses become sober (or they have left them behind).

The truth is, life happens. We get busy, we move on to bigger passions, families grow, locations change, marriages crumble. What I've learned though, is that your spouse's addiction never leaves you, even after years of sobriety.

Though I'm not actively blogging about Rocky's addiction, it's still a regular conversation in our house. I still have nightmare about him relapsing. I still wake up in tears, and voice my concerns. Rocky still thinks about drinking. He still wonders if he'll ever be able to enjoy a drink.

Just one drink.

I still don't think he's ready. I still ask him to wait a couple more years. I still tell him that I don't miss drinking. I still remind him how far he has come. I still show him that life is just as enjoyable sober as it was drunk.

Somethings haven't changed.

We still meet people that challenge his alcoholism. People still question his addiction. Rocky still struggles with finding healthy relationships (but he has improved!).

What has changed?

Us. We are different as a couple. Stronger. Recently (when Rocky was struggling with one of those unhealthy relationships), I over heard him telling someone how much he put me through in the past. I was shocked! Although I have explained to him my side of his addiction, I never felt he truly understood. I didn't think he could actually see my point of view. He reminds me that he won't relapse. He lets me know he has too much to lose. He enjoys the legacy he is leaving behind for his children.

And yet, like I've always said, addiction will always be with him. It's that brick that's there, offering him feelings and desires that have always been there and never left. They will never leave. Addiction will never leave. It will always be a part of Rocky, just as his arm is attached to his body, addiction his attached to his brain.

So where do I go from here?

I'm not sure. I enjoy reading this digital copy of my life. Recently, I've enjoyed sharing it. But there certainly are not any promises to be made. It's a crazy little life we've led. I've received quite a few emails over the years asking for advice from spouses. I've even considered becoming an addiction counselor.

We'll see where the road takes me...

 "I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we're all teachers - if we're willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door." - Marla Gibbs

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